Wednesday, 20 January 2016
100WC week 3 by my name is JEFF
Walking through the dark forest, a noise startled me. CRACK!! I dove behind a log ready to fire my rifle! Whatever was there, it was getting closer. My heartbeat raced, hands trembled, and hair on my neck stood up. One… two… three… I looked back… BANG!! BANG!! They almost shot me! I shoot back. I watched the sun rising over the mountain blinding my sight.. BAM!! BAM!! Something hard hit me, a bullet! My uniform turned red and wet, moaning in pain I ripped off cloth from the umbrella in my backpack and tied it over the wound. I floated into unconsciousness.. Then I awoke.
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I have nothing to say very creative story and really good
ReplyDeleteCool story very dramatic and action packed. You really should though clean up the ending a little bit jus to make it flow.
ReplyDeleteIts a very action packed story! But in the second of first lone you said "I dove behind a log ready to fire my rifle!, i think you mean, you ducked. Good story in all.!
ReplyDeleteYou need a comma after pain, and you also don't need two periods after unconsciousness. You also need a comma after log. I don't think a bullet would feel hard, seeing that they aren't very big. The end is a little bit confusing, because I'm not sure whether you mean you woke up from unconsciousness or if you were just dreaming. You are also switching between past and present tense, and you might want to fix that to help with the flow. You have a couple things to fix up, but other than that, great action story!
ReplyDeleteYour story is very creative and action packed! I do agree with Cocopuff though, you are missing a comma after pain, and either three periods or only one period after unconsciousness.
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